@NYC_Blonde: By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.
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@ConanOBrien: According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
@MartaEffing: I joked at school drop off that the white stuff on my kid was powdered sugar, not cocaine, but I took it too far by rubbing some on my gums.
@lilgapeach30: I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent. Might not kill him but he'll never have any friends.