By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
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Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”