By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
You Might Also Like
Perfect
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
This is me
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?