By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!