@DadBeard: By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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@batkaren: I'm on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
@Paige__xxx: Me: tries to sleep Brain: M: B: M: B: M: B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
@withanewname: "Doc, it's embarrassing, but I don't feel sexy." "Try wearing the wife's panties." "Really?" "Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice"
@Brianhopecomedy: I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.