By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
12653.
Same pineapple, same
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.