@WilliamAder: By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
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@Aspersioncast: What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad? Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?
@PinkCamoTO: I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
@ruinedpicnic: [checks window] [locks door] [starts to tweet] shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY