Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
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next question.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow