By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while