stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
ok this is my dumbest yet
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]