Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on