We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
rise and shine we got egg
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.