How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter