Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…