BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
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LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Otters drive ottermobiles.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!