by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
You Might Also Like
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
bears
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”