That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
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Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious