Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
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I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[eulogy]
line?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
british sex workers really pound for pound
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning