cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I feel seen.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”