Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.