Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
You Might Also Like
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”