Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Important
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”