Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”