Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
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wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Saturday
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *