“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
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My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE