Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
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Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
😂💯
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.