[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
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Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
ugh not again
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Money is the root of all wealth
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.