Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.