a public service announcement
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.