Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
This classic never gets old . . .
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.