Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.