Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
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The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Something Saturday.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]