Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
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What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
i’m still crying at this
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.