Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.