Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Mornin
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.