Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
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Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god