@Reverend_Scott: Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
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@wittwitbarista: *text message* Cat: Slave, I'm missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it. Me: but I'm at work. Cat: find it.
@AndrewNadeau0: All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It's like, "Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby."
@mellimelle: In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.