Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
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Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I wish this was real life…
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.