@JermHimselfish: Call me old fashioned, but I'm dying of smallpox.
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@slaughthie: I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said "day before Valentine's Day" like I'm some genius who knows when Valentine's Day is.
@murrman5: *opens fortune cookie* there's rice on your face *grabs wifes and opens it* still there *grabs one from next table* I can do this all night
@peachesanscream: Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
@SlabBaconBP: I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she's feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I'm probably single.