@JermHimselfish: Call me old fashioned, but I'm dying of smallpox.
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@Sassafrantz: [text] "Just saw this! I'd love to go to dinner!" Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now. "Bring 'em! Sister Wives is my jam!"
@thenoahkinsey: When someone at the gym asks if I'm "using that equipment", I say "No, my love for it is real." To date, I'm the only one to find that funny