Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Hot Panini is in big trouble
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“I wouldn’t.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.