Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
hmmm
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.