Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
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[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag