@shutupmikeginn: Call me when you have $50,000 and you'll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I'll throw in a second kid as a gift.
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@hyperblastchic: "I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid..." -how vodka was born
@slimmy_shady: At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: "you have a dog?" Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
@SkylarGarland: "I'll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter" (How I'd die in a horror movie)