Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
This chloroform smells expensiv…
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe