Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
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5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
calling in to work dehydrated
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”