Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
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Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Labreador
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere