Called it
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on