Called it
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…