[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
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The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.