This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.