Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
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Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me