I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
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When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
twitter users today:
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…