[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”